Sex in the Speakeasy
by the song of mountain rain
Summary: Fat Sam and Bugsy are out of the game now. Tallulah ran away with Dandy Dan and all they have now is each other. Will Bugsy consent to what is about to happen? Contains 3D splurge action!
1. Chapter 1 (04-09 13:56:33)

**A/N:** This was written by a friend after we did a performance of the play at school. it is a parody and includes a lot of inside jokes. This is purely for entertainment value. Enjoy the hilarious atrocity!

Fat Sam was a mess. The Speakeasy hadn't had visitors in 6 years and work for an ex-gangster was impossible. His love life wasn't much better either. Tallulah had left him at her feet and was now driving around in a limo with Dandy Dan. That bitch. Sam had no friends, no money and no life. That was until Mr Malone walked back into his life.

"Hey Mr Sam" came the voice from his office door. Sam turned around, trying to hide excited, slightly aroused expression on his face.

"Bugsy! Where have you been man!"Sam said coolly.

"Hollywood. With the big movie stars. Ain't no place for a guy like me".

"What happened Bugs?" Sam asked, moving closer to his old partner.

"Blousey moved on, she became famous, too famous for me"

"Bugsy she's an ordinary fool to leave you like that, you're the smoothest mobster I've ever known "

Bugsy sighed"Yeah but she doesn't want a mobster"

"I do".

Bugsy couldn't believe his ears. "You need some more help at the speakeasy?"

"That and... other things"Sam thought about his love life.

"I need you, not the speakeasy".

Bugsy felt his lips get closer to fat sam. No, this couldn't be. The big speakeasy boss who he'd liked for years couldn't be about to...Sam fell into Bugsy's arms. He'd missed the guy so much, in so many ways. Sam unbuttoned Bugsy's shirt and whispered into his ear. "Noone can say that fat sam's ain't the liveliest joint in town"

Soon Bugsy and Fat Sam were on top of each other Kissing and hugging and god knows what. Sam had never been so turned on by any other man. It was at that joyous moment that the phone rang.

"Hold on a minute Bugsy, I have business to attend to"

"But you have business here, fat sam" Bugsy moaned lustily. Sam rolled his eyes and picked up the phone, half-naked. Bugsy went over to one of the chairs and lay on his side "Paint me like one of your chorus girls" Bugsy mouthed, but Sam motioned for him to shut up.

"Hello Sam" came the voice from the phone. Fat Sam hadn't heard a voice that turned him on so much since...

"It's Dandy Dan here. I need to talk to you about a guy"

"What guy Dan? I don't know any guys since you shot em"

"My apologies Sam but I was thinking about a certain Mr Malone"

Sam's face turned from horny to concerned. He can't kill Bugsy as well?

"What do you want with him Dan"

"Its rather... embarrassing"

"Spit it out"

"Fine. Tallulah wants to add an extra guy to our relationship. "

"You dirty rat Dan"

"Hey Tallulah said it not me, I don't even like guys"

"You're not having my Bugsy"

"You're what?"

Sam slammed the phone down.

"Honey don't switch that off, I was enjoying that, Sam heard Bugsy yell from the other side of the room, his left hand holding the receiver, his other hand.. elsewhere.

"You were listening? "

"Every last word".


	2. Chapter 2

After three hours, Fat Sam was stiffer than some of those dudes, Smolsky had dragged out of the East River. Since the telephone call, Sam and Bugsy had slowly made their way to Sam's bedroom. Minus the bed which Sam had been forced to replace with an airbed- a cheaper alternative.

"Hey Bugsy, Did I ever introduce you to Knuckles?"

"Uh-huh, about 5 minutes ago Sam."

"No, Knuckles, my right hand man! You remind me of him in a lot of ways"

"What! Like being a Right hand man"

Sam laughed,"Me and Knuckles used to do this, every Friday Night. At least until he splurged himself"

Bugsy kissed Sam passionately.

"Well I prefer the other Knuckles" Bugsy walked up to the windows where he saw a limo pulling up outside.

"Here's Mr Dandy"

It was Fat Sam who opened the door to Dan. After an argument Sam had decided that seeing Bugsy naked would give Dan and Tallulah the wrong message. Bugsy was Sam's guy only. And Dan and Tallulah were to keep their hands off him.

"Sam, you look... fine" Dan gulped looking down at Sam's body. Sam had forgotten that he was still stiff from being with bugsy, Dan's soft voice only made things harder.

"Are you uncomfortable Dan?"

"I'm not" answered Tallulah, swaggering into Sam's hall, "Where the hell is bugsy?"

"Sorry", Sam looked down, "I thought it was obvious from my appearance."

Dan gasped, though it sounded like more of a moan.

"I'm ready Tallulah!" mocked Bugsy as he made his way down the stairs. Sam had never seen a guy so beautiful. Bugsy linked arms with Sam, smiling a cheeky grin, made cheekier by his lack of clothing. Bugsy smiled seductively, "Come and join us".


	3. Chapter 3

Dandy Dan woke up with a headache. For a moment he thought that it was a hangover, that he'd spent another night drinking with shoulders, laughing boy and whatever the fuck the others were called. Seriously, Dandy Dan's gang needed a rebrand. He realised that he hadn't been drunk when the memories came flooding back. Memories that depicted both pain and pleasure, love and hate. Dandy Dan felt both embarrassed and jealous of the man he had once been... last night.

Flashback:

"You creeps!" Tallulah shouted, "You perverted creeps!"

"Says Dandy Dan's new whore" Sam retaliated, enjoying the look on Tallulah's face. Was it envy? Or disgust?

"I'm not a whore!" she yelled.

Bugsy smiled and started to sing, a cruel look on his face"Lonely! You don't have to be lonely. Come and see Tallulah, we can chase your troubles away"

He laughed, a cheeky glint in his eyes that fat sam lusted for, "Because your so innocent!".

"Good one L-", Dandy Dan started to say but he was cut off by Tallulah storming out.

Dan whistled quietly, "Snakes and fakes they be everywhere"

"Hey Snake Eyes was my boyfriend ", Sam objected.

"Mine too"

"Mine too. Wait, Snake Eyes was a boy?"

"Yes Bugsy. Snake Eyes can identify as whatever he wants to be." Dandy Dan finished with a sense of finality. "However" he went on," Snake Eyes was the best character"

"Or Leroy" replied Bugsy.

"I liked Seymour Scoop quite a lot" said Sam.

"The actors for those three characters are very very talented " Dandy Dan agreed.

"But you didn't answer our question Dan",Bugsy winked, "Will you join us?"

Dandy Dan paused looking down at Bugsy, a man who he had hated the length of a whole play/film. But right now, he was outside of the Bugsy Malone canon and could do whatever the fuck he wanted.

"Sure" he replied.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Dandy Dan gasped as all the memories of last night came back to him. He had nothing now, with Tallulah gone, leaving him with...

Them. The sadistic, sex crazed freaks who ran a two-man brothel. Why oh why did he find them so sexy? That brought on even more confusing feelings. What would he do now he was bisexual?!! Would he walk back into the speakeasy in a denim jacket wearing a bi-pride flag and a badge with the words 'Be nice or go away'? Questions formed in his mind. How would he cope with the homophobia? How would find a guy who loved him? Is God anti-gay???

Dan wondered if he should just 'pray the gay away' when suddenly a truck pulled up next to bins that he'd been lying on all this time. The trucks driver came out sporting rainbow coloured cape, his farmer's outfit gleaming in the new morning sun shouting "Did I mention I was gay!".

"Err... No?",Dan replied

"I think you'll find its 'nope'", the stranger replied, waltzing up to him and doing the splits.

"I'm ed sh... I'm Leroy!"

"Why are you here Leroy?"

"I heard moaning, but it could have just been me..."

"I mean why are you, of all people here, I mean aren't you a boxer"

"Not really, since bugsy left for Hollywood, I've had some problems"

"Like what?"

"Like being entered for the heavyweight championship when I'm incredibly skinny and being trained through the power of dance instead of going to the gym."

"Leroy, how would you like to be in my gang"

" I'd love that. Although are you sure you want me to join because I've been drinking a korona for the last six hours and I'm pissed"

Dandy Dan smiled at Leroy. He was such a super, precious teddy bear on weed. Maybe he didnt need a Tallulah or the Speakeasy boys. Maybe he needed a boxer.

Leroy read his mind, "I ain't no dumb bum. You don't have a gang anymore Dan. You want someone who will be nice or go away. And I'll be nice."

"You want to go on a date?"

"Sure do boss"

And with that, Dan jumped into the truck and laughed. If he had learnt anything it was that if you give a little love it all comes back to you. Last night that had a different meaning but today it was something a little bit more pg.

And for the first time in maybe his whole life, Dandy Dan was feeling fine.


	5. chapter 5

Chapter 5 - The final showdown

It had been merely three days since Bugsy had seen Fat Sam. And in that one night he had seen and heard everything about him. Sam had become closer than a friend and yet- somehow he didn't feel like one. Because equally in one night Sam had learnt a lot about him. Too much about him.

Bugsy's hand slid down his body and landed gently in his trouser pocket where he felt the unfamiliar grip of the pistol. The pistol that would kill Fat Sam.

This was no wooden, silly string filled, overrated splurge gun. This was like God's wood. Short and quick with a particular set of skills. Skills that exceed any other killing machine. He needed something short, he and Sam never lasted long.

"Bugsy is that you?"

Bugsy bit his lip, he knew what he had to do, but why was it so hard! Sam could be shot through the heart and you're too late, by now.

"Yes."

"Where have you bin' Bugs-" Sam walked into the light, his voice breaking as he saw Bugsy's shaking hand, pointing a gun at him. Sam had seen many things in Bugsy's hand before but never a...

"This can't go on Sam. I can't have people close to me. This is how it has to end"

"Would you do this if I was a girl?" he screamed, "Would you do this to Blousey?"

"I did do this to Blousey. Switch a knife for a gun and you're in the exact same position as she was. And that didn't end well"

"You lied!"

"I lie to everyone Sam, I told you that the 2000 bucks was stolen. Leroy didn't save me, the guy just ran when he saw my knife pointed in his direction. Thanks for the 6000 dollars by the way, it went towards a good cause." Bugsy clicked the trigger, "Your death"

Sam stepped back to see the person Bugsy Malone really was, a sex-crazed psychopath. Familiar words came into his head. A song that said 1000 words without a caption.

'And will he leave you, sad and lonely crying, I couldn't say but it's known. Everybody loves that man. Bugsy Mal-'.

Sam fell to the floor as the bullet pierced through his chest. Everything around him fell in slow motion. Bugsy had (with a riding crop in his hand) told Sam he would feel both pain and pleasure. And he felt that now. Even at the time of his death, he continued to lust for Bugsy. God, he loved a bad boy.

Sam pondered over his last words carefully. He felt a stabbing pain in his back from the object he had fell on. The object was long, hard and rough.

No, you dirty minded people, it was a branch.

Sam mumbled something to the fresh cool air which lay on his dying face.

Bugsy turned around.

"What did you say?"

Sam beckoned Bugsy towards him. Reluctantly Bugsy walked up to him and crouched at his side. Sam gazed up into Bugsy's beautiful blue eyes.

"Save the trees"

Sam pulled out the branch from underneath him and with all the strength he could muster whacked Bugsy round the head. Sam had played with his emotion, played with his devotion and Sam was determined that he would never, could never hurt anyone again.

Sam continued to beat Bugsy with the branch. Bugsy was curled up in a ball, wet and bloody. Bugsy gasped at every single bit of pain and Sam couldn't tell whether he was truly in pain or whether he was having an 'asthma attack'. Either way, it made Sam horny like never before and this helped him to push through his pain and continue. Finally with his last breath, Sam lay down on the grass, the light had left Bugsy's eyes and Sam chuckled at the fate he had been left with.

"I'm an ordinary fool, do you hear that bugsy? An ordinary..."

Chapter 6

Bugsy opened his eyes. Pain ran through his side from where Sam had hit him repeatedly. That lovable fool. Sam could never have killed Bugsy with his weak arms. And why would Bugsy of all people give up so easily? Looking at Sam's dead body, Bugsy smirked, he really should become an actor. Bugsy hobbled through the door of Sam's office and lay down panting on his chair. He remembered all that happened here with both Sam and Dan.

Dan. Bugsy supposed that he would have to go too, considering all he had found out. Both Dan and Sam had been a mere distraction, a fantasy, in order to get what he wanted. The Speakeasy.

Suddenly the telephone rang and Bugsy picked it up to hear a voice that shouldn't exist, that knew too much.

"Sam it's Blousey here. Sweet home Barack Obama, please pick up. I know that you love him. I know what he does to you. But please, stay away from Mr Malone"

Bugsy laughed as he heard the agitation in her voice. He felt her fear as she realised and recognised the laugh.

"Sam?"

"Too late Blousey, you're too late"


End file.
